Saturday, 4 August 2012

10 Ways to Start Being a Cynical Marketeer Today

It's inauguration day for my career as a cynical-slash-sceptical marketeer (a marketeer is so much cooler that a plain ol' marketer. We get swords) and I'm setting out with just a blog idea and a smile.

Let's go through the first steps:

1). Read my daily allowance of advice, mandates, and supplications. Apparently I must 'believe in myself'. Spend ten minutes debating the existence of me before decidng that given the physical evidence in the mirror, I am a believer in me.

2). Envy people for being so much better than me. It's a good envy though - I've nurtured it through the years so now it's big and strong.

3). Wonder if I too can do what they have done.

4). Read blog headline that tells me 'You too can do what I have done!' Am now convinced.

5). Read different blog headline: '10 Reasons You'll Fail as a Blogger!' Am now convinced.

6). Go get something to eat. Look in fridge: ketchup and bit of old cauliflower for lunch again. Decide to try to set up a money-making blog after all.

7). Sign-up for Blogger. Experts suggest I will regret not getting self-hosted Wordpress. Feel regret, but also feel that hosting companies will probably not accept collection of train track-flattened pennies as payment.

8). Think of topic. It must be niche, but not too niche. Take a moment to wonder when niche became an adjective, then consider where my passion lies. Come up with napping, TV, and food. Take nap, then decide to just go with crafting. I don't want to brag, but I wielded a mean crayon as a kid.

9). Think of cool, hip blog name that will catch the admiration of readers everywhere. In absence of clever pun, choose to go with aliteration. Aliteration always attracts applauding audiences. Also, alligators.

10). Shut down internet and play Crusher on Swagbucks. Realise that this is one of those times to use an affiliate link, since I think Crusher is one of the most addictive casual games ever and highly recommend it. Quickly edit it into post seamlessly.

Friday, 3 August 2012

Let's get cynical...

Here’s something you might not know:

Alexander Graham Bell wanted people to answer the phone with “Ahoy-hoy”, not "hello".

Here’s another thing you may not know:

I read a lot of what you could loosely call business blogs  - sites which offer practical tutorials, ‘business self-esteem‘, marketing advice and so on. They’re interesting, often insightful, quite frequently helpful (and only occasionally boring) but one thing they invariably have in common is this

- they’re written with hindsight.

And having hindsight means that you’ve already grappled with your self-doubting demons, slogged up your own personal mountains, and wrestled off the stubborn jar lid of discouragement in order that you might taste the jam of success within (oh like you’ve never heard that metaphor before)

So when I read the advice given, there’s always a little voice whispering in my ear, “That’s easy for them to say.” (Incidentally mom, if you’re reading this, it’s really weird how you do that while I’m on the computer.) They know what the end of the story is, and if it worked out or not.

There's also a part of me (I think it's my uvula)  that wonders how anyone can do any calculated marketing or advertising without taking the something* out of themselves before anyone else can. See, one of my fears is transparency - I get very nervous when I imagine people can see right through me and my efforts.and see what am I trying to do, making me feel like a fraud. I imagine it's a feeling you all get sometimes.


My solution?

I’m going to be incredibly transparent. I’m going to tell you what I’m aiming for, my reasons, and my experiences, and possibly my results, should I have any significant ones to share. I'm going to work through their advice, and you can gawk, and see what I'm doing wrong, and what I'm doing right.

It's at this point that I have to let you all know that I do genuinely admire the business bloggers I read, and I know they're sucessful for a reason.But no matter how many times they tell you how nervious they were when they started out, you didn't see it in action. Now you will.

This could either go well, or terribly badly and alienate people (please don't leave me readers! I love you all!)

Let's find out together!

*insert your own euphemism